Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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