I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
