Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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