All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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