I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
