Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
