I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
