They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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