Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
