I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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