FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
