Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
