i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm like, not good at living.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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