Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
