I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Don't make out with my wife yet
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
