Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
