the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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