Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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