I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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