I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
