Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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