all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
