Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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