Don't you send me to vm
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
