i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
