Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
