I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
