I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
