Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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