yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We won't sleep together?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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