Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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