Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
