I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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