Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
