dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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