I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
