he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
