Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
