I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
