I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
