i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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