Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
