Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
