So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
