My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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