Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
