So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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