glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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