Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
