I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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