One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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