insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize