You're my little dorito
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
