i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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