I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
