I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
