does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
