this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize