I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
