who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
