my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
