i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
