Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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