I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
