It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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