I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
wow bdsm is so cute
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